Fits, Grace and Mochas

I had a full blown melt down last week. Over what I'm not entirely sure. I could have been sleepy. I was still sick, unaware at the time that I had a sinus infection and needed antibiotics.
Maybe it was just because I could not get Little Miss to pick up the Cheerios (thankfully dry) that she had tossed all over the floor. That's certainly where I boiled over.
All I know is, after 30 minutes of working with her to pick up the mess, she spilled all over again (for fun) and I saw red. I yanked out the vacuum, furiously plowing over the mess. She cried and I felt satisfaction that she was upset.
I then put her straight in her room to nap. We both knew she would only live to see dinner if she stayed tucked away in her room for a bit. (Sarcasm here, I would NEVER harm my children!)
Still frustrated with myself, I stomped past a silent Dic to our room where I slammed the door (maybe even three times just because it felt so good) and spent the next chunk of time weeping in the shower.
I emerged from my pity party to work on the dishes and wept so hard I couldn't see through the tears falling into the soapy water.
A waterfall of frustration and feelings of failure in every aspect of life poured forth from my mouth while my husband stood near me, completely bewildered.
Mature and godly of me, no?
Dic and I spent the next three days talking to put a finger on why I lost it.
Partially, we have had an incredibly stressful year. Many things I would like to pour out here on the ol' blog, but will keep it in the family.
I'm way more hormonal after the birth of Fo than I expected.
But really, after a week of reflection and list making and prayer, I see the light.
I'm a selfish human being. I am a follower of God that still struggles greatly against my human nature. I can't deny it: I fail miserably most of the time.
Oh, but the God of my heart is gracious, merciful and loving.
I have the blues. I have been feeling a bit lost. Purpose-less. This phase of life is harder than I expected: wiping noses, staying in when we want to go out, not speaking to another adult about something other than kids for weeks at a time, not able to accept my own failures before marriage and now my new failures as a mom and wife. I became frantic to escape the feeling of emptiness and went crazy trying to find the solution. I wasn't joking about the list making. Maybe we should take classes together. Maybe I should work at a coffee shop for fun, maybe if we went camping, maybe if, if, if...!
Last weekend, as part of the quest to fix our blues, we drove around and looked at houses for sale. Because when you are bummed and want different things in life, the logical thing to do is buy bigger and better, no?
With two little ones in the back seat, we settled for driving by and picking up flyers instead of actually going inside any houses. We talked about our dreams. It didn't make me feel better. Surprisingly, I looked around each neighborhood and felt claustrophobic.
We gave into Little Miss's pleadings and went to the park for the rest of the afternoon. We took turns: one playing with her on the slide while the other sat with Fo in the grass. At one point I pulled out my nursing cover and found a quiet spot to feed Fo.
I leaned against a large tree trunk and watched Little Miss squeal down a slide into her Daddy's arms. I watched other children calling to their parents with shouts of delight.
The feel of Fo's soft skin and sweet smell of her baby sweat relaxed me in a way I hadn't been for a while.
I thought back on our goals: debt free living - including mortgage. We want to owe money to no one. It's not our money; it's the Lord's money that He has given us to be stewards over. I know we need a roof over our heads and our house is an investment. But I have a chart made up; we can pay our home off in 9 years, so why don't we? We could actually do it in less, but I have worked a spending/saving/giving system in there as well. We can't go 9 years without sharing with others, taking our girls to visit family or without car and house expenses. Anyway, that's not really the point.
The point is, I sat there, in perfect peace because I finally saw what is important. My family, other people, being content -overjoyed even- with what God has entrusted to us. A new house would never make me truly happy. Only when I turn outward and see all the good that God has done and always does will I curb those silly fits. I will never be perfect this side of heaven, but oh, how God is trying to teach me to follow His example.
Since that day, I have been joyfully waiting for what God has for us to do. I've mentioned that we've become a little family island and our hope is to change that. To be available to love others and be an instrument of God's love where He leads us. I've been looking at our surroundings and now I don't see a house that "would be so much nicer if it was this layout...or had that carpet...or...or...or...".
I see a lovely home that will be easy to pay off. I see a wonderful place to make memories, to share meals, to rest our heads. I see the richness of what we have compared to the rest of the world.
I see a great responsibility to be grateful, joyful and willing to share.
Thoughts today. Thoughts that must be documented so that I can come back the next time I want to throw a fit and see how much I've been given.
I enjoy the little bits of grace and love God throws in:
-After weeks of sickness, I finally got to go back to Bible study yesterday. The hug from my leader was wonderful.
-A few extra dollars to buy a coffee. I haven't had coffee from a shop in ages and it's not a right or necessity. Amazing how once I stopped having Starbucks weekly it began to taste so much better. Now the once every four months or so treat is appreciated rather than "deserved".
Did you know they have Dark Chocolate Cherry mochas now? Oh Mama!
Sweet Lord, thank you for simple pleasures.
More importantly, Oh Jesus, thank you for your grace.