I'm sad today. I can't even explain why. Just a lot of things rolling into a lump in my throat. Mostly it's just the human side of me being pitiful and silly. But this is my blog and while for posts like this I wish it was a personal blog, it feels nice to vent and send it off into space.
I feel lonely. I have so many friends. Dear, dear women in my life. I'm just in a stage where it's hard to get out. The kids are little and need their mom. And I'm more than happy to be here. I still get to go to Bible study and I volunteer at AWANA and that's wonderful. Just missing the carefree days of college where you lived with your girlfriends and laughed until 3 in the morning without a thought of getting up for class in the morning.
I love my life; I miss that one sometimes.
I feel like I'm a little bit alone in this adventure of mine. Of course I have many ladies I can relate with and who relate back.
Do you ever wish you had a best friend for a neighbor?
My mom has so many stories about her friend who lived down the street when she was a young mom and bride. My grandma had the same experience. They would get their kids together every day because it was just a short walk down the street. If it wasn't a good day for visiting, they drew the shades. If the party was on, the shades were up.
Now, I'm a gal who needs some alone time once a week, but I could really go for a sister two houses down to laugh with, drink coffee with (while the kids are napping), swap recipes with, and cry with when life reminds us that this isn't where we belong. As long as I'm daydreaming, I might add that I want our husbands to get along as well and we all laugh and play games on weekends. Wow, I'm getting so silly. I should throw a campfire and sing-a-long in there as well, eh?
I'm just so lonely. I have a hard time around women my age. I constantly feel like I don't measure up. I know the wonderful ladies I get to spend time with (when life allows) aren't judging me. I know this. I just am judging myself in their midst:
Wow, my pants are really out of date.
This hair style is so frumpy.
I wonder if they can see the spit-up stains on my shoulder?
Oh my, they must think I never discipline my children. Little Miss, why must you throw that fit right now?!
She is so beautiful and sweet and funny, her husband must just be so in love with her. Mine probably wishes I was more like her...
I feel better around older women because I can look up to them and have hope of going there someday. I feel ok around younger women because I've been where they are and am so glad I'm not there anymore!
Tell me I'm not alone, here.
College was the first time I felt comfortable around women my age. I went to a great high school, but it was cut-throat in the girl department (If you read this blog from VCHS, I'm not talking about you!!!) and I developed a great dislike for myself there.
College was the first time women helped to teach me about clothes and such. They helped me learn to dress (black shoes and brown belts DO NOT go together) and be fashionable in an encouraging way. We made such fun memories together and laughed and enjoyed learning as friends. It was wonderful. Now we are spread all over the country and it's just different.
I'm sure I sound silly and self-centered. I know the right answers to my slump today, but I need to get it out before I sink to my knees and weep in front of my children.
Just lonely today. Longing for a kindred spirit. Wishing I could just let go and embrace friendships with other women again instead of being filled with so much self doubt.
I'm about to march across the street to demand the gal living there to be my friend. But since she won't even look up from her cigarette break to wave, I'm sure we won't be bosom buddies any time soon.
7 comments:
I know that feeling very well. I'm praying for you and hoping that you know that you are always welcome here, no matter what.
I'm sad that you're struggling. Sigh. It can get lonely being a stay-at-home mom. I love my home, but every now and then it feels a little like the walls are going to close in.
At least the one advantage we do have over previous generations is this little black box. I'm here for you...many miles away but close at heart.
I hear ya. Been there, wished that, thought that, and still THINK that way a lot.
I also long for that bosom friend next door or down the street. Our culture is different than what our moms had, I guess.
No what ifs or if onlys, just here and now.
Love ya girl!
Me too, me too! I know how you feel and wish I hadn't wasted so many 'friendship' years on feeling inadequate. If I would have just listened to God tell me who I am instead of the Enemy slicing pieces of my self image away, cut by cut. I love you and look forward to one day hanging out with you over coffee. Take heart, sweet B!
I know exactly how you feel....wish we were neighbors! You sound like my kind of gal. That is if we would still be friends after I convinced you to do cloth diapers! :) Hope you have a bosom buddy soon....good thing we serve a good and faithful God! :) Tell Richard to give you a hug from me!
P.S. Makes me happy to know that my friend Richard married such a wonderful gal! High five to him!
You need to come over (except I'm a work now). But it's gonna happen! I swear it!
found you through the other denise's blog (grace upon grace).
i think the reality is we have ALL felt this. some just aren't vulnerable enough to say it out loud.
i felt (sometime still feel) so lonely, so not enough, and had the "if only" blues. oh and how i've dreamed for an ethel to live next door to this lucy. :-)
can i encourage you on how to get out of there (from one who spent too many years feeling all that, and still wrestles with it daily).
"i will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, i will enter his courts with praise"
THANK HIM! PRAISE HIM!.when you feel this way. you gotta get in those gates, in those courts, and out of your head
believe me i know, i lost some years wanting instead of thanking.
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