How To Have a Stellar Shopping Trip with 3 Kids

1. Spend some quality time picking out the perfect cart: the one that pulls to one side. Trust me. This way when your kids insist that there is only one perfect side to hang on and fight to the death like animals gently discuss who will be on that side, you can encourage them to share the side opposite of where the cart wants to go. Easy Peasy, you are now evened out!

2. Put some really icky things that you know your kids hate on the list, such as beans, potatoes, rice --you know, the really disgusting stuff (my girls' opinion of torture) this way as you add in the things that are good for them, but they might turn their noses at slightly (brussel sprouts, cauliflower, bananas) are completely acceptable foods. They'll eat anything, as long as you don't make them eat those mashed potatoes!

3."Absolutely we can have cereal! Let's make it a game. If you can find Mommy one box that says it's less than $4.00, we will buy 3 of them: Go!" (At this point it is probably inappropriate to stand back and snicker to yourself while they look in complete and total vain for the nonexistent box of cereal) "What? Couldn't find any? What a bummer. Maybe next time..." (Cough-giggle-cough)

4.So your kids think you're awful and rotten because your cart is full of things like veggies and chicken and chocolate that is for some special hidden stash only mommy knows about and coffee...and they see kids all over the store who have moms pushing carts with mini pizzas, pop-tarts, potato chips, etc. Well, Mama, they have whined and begged and guilted asked nicely, so you might as well oblige them. Stroll up to one of those Mamas, politely tap her on the shoulder and ask if she'd like to have your kids. Her food is better, you see, and they really don't want you as a Mama anymore and you do ever-so-much want them to be happy...When 'better mom' awkwardly refuses and backs away slowly you will be able to tell your slack-jawed kids that you did your very best. "Now, dear, could you please grab those garbonzo beans for Mommy?"

5.Finally --and most importantly-- be sure on the way to the store that one of your kids gets in trouble. Maybe skip a needed nap so that she'll be extra cranky or be sure someone doesn't get to choose the CD--whatever it is, be sure someone is super-duper naughty feeling. While you're dealing with that the entire grocery visit, the other kiddos will be so smug about their sister being naughty that they will be nauseatingly sweetly polite and well-mannered.

Oh, one final thought for those of you that aren't interested or accustomed to sarcasm: be sure to forget your list. Best Shopping Trip Ever!