I'm home with my girls (alone all day) for the first since Harper was born. And I am loving it! Feeling much better, too! So here is a super duper long post. I won't be offended if you don't read it :) I wrote this the day that Raegan got tubes in her ears.
Whew! Today has been a day. Each time I think I have been through or accomplished something with Raegan that makes me feel like a "real" mom, something new comes along. Today, "Raegan Having Tubes Put In" waltzed right up next to "Staying Up All Night With Her While She's Sick" and body checked that experience aside. A new sense of, "Now, I'm a mom" has come over me. I know tubes is a minor surgery, really. I know most of you reading this have been through that (and possibly much worse) with your children. But this is my blog, my self-indulgent, so if you don't mind...I will continue to self-indulge...
Since I am pregnant and am awake most of the night anyway, waking up this morning was no problem. Stumbling out of my warm bed to the cold bathroom was...quite a different story. My intentions had been to eat breakfast at home before Raegan woke up (since she couldn't have anything, I would not have been able to eat in front of her). Usually I can't eat at all if I'm nervous, but like I said, "Kid 2" (as my sweet husband has deemed this baby)is well underway and quite insistent on his/her meal. All my stumbling around left little time to change Raegan's diaper, let alone eat, so through the coffee shop drive-through I went. I ordered breakfast hoping to eat it in the waiting room while Rae was screaming her head off in surgery...yeah.
We arrive, play with toys, are led back to a small cubicle to wait and I start to smell something...funny. No, no. Stinky is the appropriate word here. My girl never makes a stink before breakfast! Never! I reach for my bag and realize: in all my stumbling and worrying this morning, I forgot diapers...and wipes. Sigh.
Seriously? How long have I been a mother? Did my purse post not mention that my "must-haves" for my purse are diapers/wipes. Seriously.
I sheepishly asked a nurse for an extra diaper if they had one and she presented me with a size 1-2. Raegan is pretty light for her age, but not that small.
Seriously? Ok, I can do this. Better that the doctor not pass out from her stink.
Then I sheepishly remind the busy nurse that I also need wipes. She can't find any, but does return with sanitizer wipes...um, ok. Seriously, I guess it could be worse. I could have been handing my screaming daughter over to a stranger while she walked back to put her to sleep and cut her open.
Oh, right that was next. Sigh. That is quite possibly the hardest thing I have had to do as a mom and I knew it would be. I shared a sweet moment then with my mom who came to wait with me. She had done the same with me at about the same age for the same procedure. She had to hand me over and watch me pleading with my pudgy little hands for my parents. I watched Raegan through blurry eyes while she was led away in absolute terror. I knew this was best for her but, SERIOUSLY. It was awful.
Being a parent is hard. It takes effort and patience and unconditional love. It takes everything that we are not. It takes selflessness. Have you ever noticed that we are not wired for selflessness? That's why I believe being in any relationship is hard. It takes a great deal of sacrifice and giving to truly make a relationship work.
Richard and I went to "A Weekend to Remember", a marriage conference put on by Focus on the Family, this last weekend. We stayed in a hotel the entire weekend, had a fabulous three course dinner Saturday night, and were able to wake up and just take care of ourselves and not a little person. It was wonderful. It should have been wonderful. But it was hard. Focusing on loving another person, truly, selflessly loving another person takes serious work. Sometimes you want to give up and walk away. Hope for better next time. Count your losses. Many times this weekend, the speaker would joke about the differences between men and women. "What was God thinking?!" he would cry amidst the laughter. Really, what WAS He thinking?
If any of you haven't read "Bring the Rain" blog, I highly recommend it. I guarantee you will come away blessed. Today, she was trying to help readers understand why she loves God so much. So very deeply. How she got to that point. Basically she summed it up by saying she got to know HIM.
Seriously got to know Him. Who He is. What He is about. And not from reading what others have to say about Him. But what He has to say about Himself.
I realized how often I have gone to others for their opinions on Who God is.
Seriously? Why have I done this? Would I go to others to understand Richard better? No, the best source for information about Richard is RICHARD. Not to say that another's perspective can't deepen my appreciation for him. But the only person who can teach me about my husband is my husband.
And the only One who can teach me about my God is MY GOD. Seriously. Duh. I don't know why it took Angie saying it on her blog for it to click.
So today while Raegan was napping (oh blessed naps!!), I went back to basics. I pulled out my Bible and turned to Genesis : Who are You, God? Who are You?
Creator. Father. Care-taker. Friend. Disciplinarian. Promise Maker. Promise Keeper. Artist. Patient. Provider. That's just the first few chapters. I'm thrilled to see what else.
I also saw something that ties into the hard parenting, hard wife thing. God never expected or designed for us to have it easy. At least, not lying around in Eden eating grapes, easy. He created all things on earth and put man in charge of it. He set Adam as caretaker of the land. Hmmm...so he never expected Adam to have a work-free life? He wanted him to work even in paradise? Perhaps there is a lesson there: hard work doesn't have to be hell.
He created Eve as a suitable helper for Adam. Why would a care-free life need a helper? I believe God knew the choices we would make. I get frustrated at all the jokes about Eve, "Just wait until we get up there! We'll show her!!" I believe we would have made the same decision and chosen disobedience. I am just as guilty as she. And I am just as forgiven, regardless of my sin.
I also found it interesting that God told Eve her pains in childbearing would be "greatly increased". Meaning pain was there to begin with. I'm amazed by that. Painful labor in EDEN?! Why? What was God thinking?
I believe God created conflict so that we would learn to love. To have rich, meaningful lives. How much more thrilling is it to hold your sweet baby in your arms after all the work you've done to get them there? (And I don't just mean physical labor here: adoptive parents have their own set of "labor pains" to go through - with no option of an epidural!) He gave us a choice to obey because He didn't want to be served by robots. He wanted to love and be loved my HUMANS. I'm just amazed by that. I'm encouraged by that. In my difficulties as a wife and mother, I know I am in God's will for me. And when I am in His will, I can do anything He asks of me.
He has given me a unique opportunity to love and forgive unconditionally. I can't go into details, but I have been greatly blessed by what should be unbelievable heartache.
I can forgive because HE HAS FORGIVEN ME. I can love because HE LOVES ME. In my experiences I have made catastrophic mistakes. I have been greatly ashamed of myself in life. Recently, God introduced me to something. He let me see things from His perspective if only a small sliver. When I was told by my God to forgive, I finally saw how much I myself have been forgiven. And I finally accepted that forgiveness.
And, Seriously, life has never been sweeter.
I think God wants to give us good things. He wants to bless us. To sing over us. To give us big belly laughs.
He wants to hold us when we cry.
He lets us be led through valleys that frighten us for our own good.
He won't let us just live life in idle nothingness. He leads us through hardships so that we can live life to the fullest.
I have lost two babies. Twice I have had to sign papers telling a hospital staff they could dispose of my precious child after they have cut him/her out of my body.
How much more do I appreciate this girl?
How much more am I appreciating every day I get to be pregnant with this little one?
Life is rich and full.
God longs to bless us with good things.
He wants to sing over us.
He wants to give us opportunities to GET IT. To love. To understand the bigger picture. To let us fall into His arms with exhaustion after we've walked a rough road.
To give us moments. Unforgettable moments.
Seriously. This is a God worth Loving. Worth loving for Who He is based on what He tells us.
And as I'm writing, my wonderful husband and daughter are laughing and wrestling together and I want to go focus on my blessings. And my reward to myself and Raegan for making it through today is calling from the kitchen:
They let us keep the mask that was put over Raegan's mouth to put her to sleep:
Waiting to be released. Raegan finally got to have her milk. I'm talking to Richard's dad who was anxiously waiting by the phone; I don't think the phone even made it through the first ring! My children have been blessed with very loving grandparents and aunts and uncles.
The one picture we remembered to take on our weekend getaway. We were heading out to a seafood restaurant, which is funny because we hate seafood. But we loved our meals and even tried crab and shrimp...um. Hate crab. Yuck! Something about your meal coming at you with beady little eyes and claws isn't too appealing!! But we had great steak, chicken and veggies. And we split the Key Lime Pie and Bananas Foster. Yummers!!!
2 comments:
I don't mind the leftovers :) This was a great post. I'm so sad to hear that you lost two babies. But you're right that God can use our suffering to help us mature and become more like Christ, who suffered so greatly on our behalf.
We do have some hard days as moms, don't we? And some amazing ones too. I remember a similar experience when my daughter was about 5 months and had a spinal tap. The Dr. had me wait outside the room while my husband stayed, and I couldn't stand hearing my baby screaming. Ugh!
I remember this post and remember feeling your pain with the loss of two babies, I too have lost two. But, I was blessed with two beautiful girls, just like you were :) AND I remember seeing those strawberries and telling Tony I had to go buy stuff to make them hehehe and NOW after seeing them again, guess what! I am going to make them tonight! :) I always love reading your blog posts and seeing all your pics. Love you, Bobo!
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